Episode 10: Part 1 - Emotionally Processing a Disappointment - the Launch of the Authentic Calm Method
Conversation
Episode 9 Season 3
[00:00:00] The Authentic Calm Podcast, your space to understand your natural sensitivity, why you have it, what to do with it, and how to move through life differently to honor it. Together, we will look at holistic and natural supports. Dive deep into our subconscious, our conditioning, our programming, and learn how to release it, how to step into a new perspective and reframe our life to match who we actually are. Let's dive in.
Hello, friends. It's been a while since I've done a really honest and vulnerable update. My intention with the podcast this year was to just be as raw as I possibly could be, and I feel like I've kind of. Lost track of that , but as [00:01:00] typical life would have it, um, as soon as I start to feel like I'm
not feel, but as soon as I start to rise, like above my emotions, I notice that I, I get almost in a way humbled and brought back to the reality of my emotional body. And I'm, This is kind of a, a newer, uh, revelation. I've experienced this many times in the past, but just always assumed it was a sign of weakness and a sign of, uh, immaturity or a sign of, hmm, irresponsibility or fear of commitment or I, I labeled at many different things.
But what I'm coming to start to realize is that my emotions are me . [00:02:00] We're diving in deep right off the bat. Um, my emotions are me and when I have a big wave of them, it's not always a sign that something has gone wrong or that I've messed up. Um, it can be just simply
the reality of, of what my body is doing and how I'm processing. So, um, I've been, yeah, just experiencing a lot of emotional waves over the last few years, really, honestly, my whole life. But I would say that I really try to tune them out and like I said earlier, rise above them, um, to be the logical, uh, You know, just left brained, stoic, quote unquote healthy individual that I was always told I needed to be.
[00:03:00] Um, and honestly always felt like I needed to be. Uh, because that's what successful, mature adults do, is they move beyond the childlike reactions, right? The emotional meltdowns, the, um, uncontrolled responses or, um, just anything that is quote unquote extreme , um, is just considered wrong, uh, for an adult. So, oh, there's that, and then there's the reality that.
that's not who I actually am. I, of course, have elements of me that are very logical and are very structured and are very love predictability and love safety and, um, struggle with change. [00:04:00]But if I'm honest about who I am, and it's interesting as I've been diving into astrology more and more and understanding myself through my chart, um, and even, you know, marrying that with human design and gene keys and, and just childhood reflections and adult experiences, I'm really realizing like how much of me is emotion based.
And I, I'm a very divided individual. It's, it's fascinating and, and also like frustrating to witness as I study myself in a way. Um, Seeing how so much of me is, you know, to speak astrologically like Capricorn, I have a lot of Capricorn in me, which in Unhealth is very rigid and strict. And serious. But I also have a lot of Pisces and like my north node is Pisces like.
So it's [00:05:00] interesting cuz I feel like a lot of the movement that I'm supposed to be, not supposed to be, the process that I'm invited into in this lifetime is to step into my emotions, uh, and to actually release the rigidity and the seriousness and even potentially the, uh, the socialism and . That's really hard.
It's really hard because I was that emotional. Um, Playful, lighthearted child. And that had to be shoved down in order to make it in the world that I grew up in. And so, um, as you all are doing alongside me, you know, the deconditioning process, the healing process, the inner child work, like, it's really just releasing all this crap that I've taken [00:06:00] on all these expectations, all these societal norms, um, for our current day and era.
And, uh, it's beautiful to see. I feel like the children coming forward now are, um, well, I don't know. I can't speak. I'm not a parent and I, I only see what I see, but I have this feeling, I just wrote this whole piece, . Um, I have this feeling that. Culture, our society's gonna be shifting more and more towards emotion.
Um, and I'm actually really excited about that because growing up in the nineties and two thousands era, it was all about, um, logic and, uh, and not just that era. Obviously throughout the span of history, there's been this ebb and flow between the romantics and the, and stoicism, right? Like the, um, the emotional artistic creatives and the practical realistic [00:07:00] logics.
And so, uh, there's, there's always this back and forth swing and I feel like we're moving into, or we, maybe we already are, um, in a more romantic, uh, emotion based era. Um, But my body, my personhood is still very much kind of like stuck in , what I was raised in, which was very rigid. And so it is, it's this like continual process of recognizing when I have a big emotional wave come forward that it's, there's nothing wrong with that, that it's actually really beautiful and that, um, it's often a sign of me breaking through something and learning a big lesson and having these like creative revelations and um, and or just lessons in life and learnings.
And honestly, ultimately it's the way that I [00:08:00] process is through emotion and, and verbalization of that emotion. Uh, so it's been a season , so I wanted to share all this with you today because, I don't feel like emotions when they're being experienced are talked about often. It's usually like, which, and I totally do this myself, so I'm not rising above this.
I'm, I love to analyze emotion. I love to look at emotion from the mind, which is like so funny. Um, but it's the safe place, right? It's the safe place to like theorize emotion versus actually feeling it in the body is very overwhelming. But that's a perfect example of my, like Capricorn, um, to like Pisces journey.
Um, but it. Yeah, it's, it's really a journey to [00:09:00] embrace emotion in the body. Um, so I wanted to share today, uh, some really big, I don't wanna say updates because I don't have any conclusions yet for you, but just some, I just wanted to pull back the curtain, you know, that term, but just open up the door and let you see me in my emotions.
my emotion. This, is that a word? It's not. I make up words all the time. Um, in my emotion. This, I, yeah. I just, I'm like feeling, I'm feeling my heart pounding and like racing, even as I'm starting to say this, cuz my like, my little safe body's like, Wait, why are you gonna share this? This is so hard. You don't even know where you are yet.
And that's true. That I want to, I want to talk and process and open up with you before I've arrived at my conclusion because oftentimes when I just share [00:10:00] a conclusion, there's so much that, um, could be potentially a gift for you guys to hear, because I think one of the biggest things I hear from sensitives is that, um, there's a lot of talk about the experience of being as sensitive, but there's not a lot of sharing, like mid experience.
And so people don't really feel like they're known. It's kind of like, oh yeah, like that's what everyone says as sensitive is like, but like what does it actually feel like in the moment? Are you as broken? Is me basically like in the moment? Um, because actually experiencing life is a sensitive, is like, there's no words to fully capture the intensity of it.
Um, because honestly I don't even think we can fully. fathom it. We just like walk through it and it just sort of happens. , you know, we just experience, we don't know any other way. We just experience life the way we do cuz that's all we've ever known and all we ever will know. Um, [00:11:00] and we only know, you know, those that have less sensitivity or no sensitivity, we only know they're experienced by how they tell it to us.
Uh, so it's, it's challenging cuz you know, how do you talk about something that is all, you know, . So I'm just, I guess the way that I'm feeling it can be done is to just share in the midst. So here I am very much in the midst, midst. Uh, I have had a huge vision, um, for what I want to do in this world. And that vision, uh, has always been quite broad.
and in the last few years it kind of slimed down and really became very clear. And so I started taking some big steps in that direction. Um, to be more specific, uh, just like I always, I knew I was here to be of service. I didn't know how. And then it came down [00:12:00] to I was here to heal myself and heal people through, At first it was through nutrition.
Um, and then it's hard to expand into like energetics and, um, even just like holding space. Uh, cause I'm really good at helping people process emotions even though I'm not a therapist. It's a, a natural genius I have. Um, and that turned into even like a little bit of life mentoring and guidance. Um, and at the same time, shifted gears into really supporting my fellow sensitives.
Uh, cuz I realized that, you know, a lot of, a lot of my work is coming from my own experience and that is how I'm meant to share is from my experience, even more so than my training or, um, my mentorships or anything like that. And if that's the case, then I really don't have a right to , uh, speak to those that have a very different experience than me.
Right. I, I knew that I was then kind of [00:13:00] called to, to speak and share with those that would have a similar um, experience. I would, I would actually gain something from what I, what I have done. So all that to say, I had this vision of me, floor wellness, which is my business, uh, my practice, and it became this, uh, it narrowed down to this vision of, uh, creating what I called the mirror floor world.
This space, uh, in this universe, you know, a little online space for sensitives to come and feel known and seen and loved and encouraged and supported and restored and healed. And then ultimately like optimized and freed and, you know, allowed to experience the joys of life, um, while fully embracing who they.
And so, um, what that like physically looks like. I thought I had a clear vision for and, um, and so I started [00:14:00] working on it and it came into, it came into form as a method. Um, authentic calm. The authentic calm method and the authentic calm is something that, if you've been following me for a while, you've heard of this many times.
It's my podcast name. It's something I've been just discussing for years. And it's really, it's the ultimate state of your unique, or it's really your unique place of restful ease in the body. And, um, you know, in many ways you could describe it as peace, but it's, it's so much deeper than that. It's like balance within the cellular structure and just overall ease and rest and.
Authenticity, uniqueness, like embracing your uniqueness, your difference, uh, and as I stepped into the sensitive world, it really spoke into that. So all that to say, um, the work that I was doing one on one, I just kept feeling called to share it with those that maybe couldn't afford to see me one on one or just weren't [00:15:00] ready to step into that kind of commitment.
And so I wanted to create a method to share it. And so I spent the last year two working on it. And it was just, honestly, it was such a challenge. I kept hitting like block after block after block. Um, we went through really, when I say we, my husband, I went through some really gnarly stuff of like, um, sorry, there's a plane overhead.
Uh, just and I've shared, I've shared on this, on um, the podcast. So, um, For those of you that have haven't heard, uh, we were so blessed to buy a home. We were supported, um, to buy a home and in the country and thought that was the best move. moved out there and within a few months discovered that there was just a massive, uh, issue with mycotoxins.
Um, so not necessarily I, I [00:16:00] realized I was using the term mold in, in previous episodes, which is not necessarily incorrect, but technically it kind of is, um, because the mold was like old and and done. Um, but there was remaining mycotoxins left over and I'm very obviously very sensitive to everything. Um, and specifically as a child, actually my whole life, I real, I found out through this process that my whole life I'd had major exposure to lots of malts.
Um, so I've always had a really intense allergy. on top of the, to toxicity of it and um, overall detriment of just being exposed. Long story short, uh, we've been basically in the process of like fully resetting our lives. So we had to get rid of, I literally only took one piece of furniture from, um, our home.
So we got rid of everything. Um, we had to completely like clear this house [00:17:00] and through the process we ended up deciding not to move back cuz it just wasn't the right fit. Um, as far as location and just, uh, honestly, I had a little bit of, a little bit, I still have some PTSD , um, from the experience. Like I just, I don't feel safe there even though it makes no logical sense.
Like it's been tested. We did remediation, like it's clearly a safe home. But like, I think I just, I'm, yeah, just perfect example of not being logical, like emotionally I don't feel safe there. So we moved back to the coast, which is my, my favorite place to be anyways. But it's just been such a heavy emotional experience because through that process I had to face a lot of my own shit.
Like I had to face deep, deep emotions that had been repressed for a long time about feeling like a huge burden, feeling like I was too much, feeling like I just needed to get over my sensitivities. Like [00:18:00] just so much stuff, um, around that because of like how dramatic we had to go with clearing this. And honestly, even most people to this day have no idea, like all that we had to go through all that.
We went through all that we chose to go through. We didn't have to, we chose to go through it because I wanted to be, I wanted to respect and honor what I had learned, um, what I'd had the privilege of learning about the intensity of molds and to not, um, Half asset and end up getting sick again. So that, which sounds so simple, but it's really not, um, if anyone's gone through mold or anything like that, it's like beyond, beyond, beyond expensive to deal with all of this stuff.
And we're, um, blessed but not incredibly . So we're just, you know, two business owners that are just still kind of in the beginnings of, of [00:19:00] creating our businesses and are far away from, uh, financial success. So it was really, really challenging and we had just bought this home, so it was like this high of, of, we finally bought a home in California.
Like, this is nuts. And then massive like loss, um, with having to not only just. Find out that we had to do all this stuff to the house, but um, we also had to physically leave the house for nine months and then we ended up not even moving back. So it just was like a lot. And, um,
so that was happening while I was trying to create the method . And then, um, having the opportunity to live with my in-laws who are an absolute blessing and really the only people I think I could have ever lived with other than my husband at this point. But as a sensitive being with other human beings, um, that are different than me, that, uh, don't have a lot [00:20:00] of understanding of sensitivity was really, really challenging.
Um, and then my precious sister-in-law and brother-in-law moved in whom I adore. Um, but it was more physical bodies, um, all in the same space. And my nervous system was just wrecked, just absolutely like wrecked. Um, . And as I reflect back now, I've kind of been realizing over the last week this vision that I had of creating a world for sensitive was really kind of, I feel like it was like my, I don't wanna say my anchor, but it was like my, it was the light at the end of the tunnel.
Um, and I just was like, I'm going to get there. Like I'm going to the light and it sounds dramatic, but that's me. Um, and I just kept pushing towards it and pushing towards it and, uh, doing [00:21:00]whatever, you know, I felt was needed, needed next. And, decided like, I'm like, I'm making this happen this year. , which should have been my first sign.
I'm making this happen this year, when I am here to initiate. But, um, pushing is never, never recommended, um, from now tons of lifetime experience and still relearning this constantly. Um, I was like, I'm pushing myself to make this happen this year because this has been taking too long and I'm such a failure and like I'm so weak and like, why can't I just be so like focused and get this done?
So through all of that craziness, I was trying to put together a simple, seemingly simple program, um, that turned into a membership that turned into like all sorts of things, but through it, um, . [00:22:00]As I reflect back, I honestly totally just bypassed myself. Like, just like I said, allowed it to be this like torch that I just like held up, like while I was drowning, um, and decided that I was just gonna like, go all in financially and just like invest.
I'd never actually like invested money into my business other than like, in small ways. Um, cuz I never had to. I'm so grateful I never had to do marketing for my business. Uh, and so this is kinda the first time where I ever spent money on making something, um, other than like my flower remedies, but that was very small in comparison.
And so I invested like a lot of money, more money than I've ever, ever invested in anything. Um, And I, yeah, it was scary. But also like I, I allowed myself to listen to a lot of business voices, um, thinking that I [00:23:00] needed to step into their world and I needed to become like them in order to be successful.
And so I ignored my emotions. I ignored my feelings, I ignored my exhaustion. I ignored the intensity of what I was going through, and I just kept going. Um, and then we finally moved out, decided to move to the coast like I shared, and we were in this like blanket space with like no furniture. And it was just like, All right, let's do this.
Like I'm launching it and um, my gosh. Yeah, just, it was crazy. Um, looking back on, it's only been a, it's only been like a month or two, but like the amount of expectation and the amount of, um, the amount that I had writing on this was just like so crazy intense and [00:24:00] in the end, um, there is like no response to it.
Like, no, I'm, I'm just gonna be brutally honest with you guys, which is really honestly scary and humbling. But I just like, I don't know why, I just feel like I need to share this with you because I haven't heard this much myself, um, from other people that are in the creative field or are in the business worlds and.
I, I just, yeah, I know. It is part of my journey too. Uh, sorry. Trash Truck day , um, to share my emotional experiences. So, and just my experiences and my, um, my trials and errors as I'm here to do much of that. Uh, so yeah, so I put out this method, invested shit load of money for me at least. And, um, there was like no response.
Um, and through the process I was shifting my [00:25:00] business. I didn't even mention that. Like I, I've been feeling called for a while now to change up my structure and, um, had a couple different ideas of how to do it, and I went with one of. Kind of almost experimentally, but just was like, Let's do this again, kind of pushy.
And I did give notice and I did communicate with my clients, and I feel like I did that well. Hopefully they can. If you're listening in your client, let me know how I did. Um, I tried to be gracious about it and give months and months of notice, but, um, and not let anyone feel abandoned. But at the same time, like I, I was trying to create a whole new thing and, uh, it was hard.
It was hard because I faced, or I experienced feeling rejected. Now I wanna be clear. I don't actually know like, what anyone else is thinking. I can't really know that unless they tell me. And sometimes what people tell [00:26:00] me isn't even truly what they feel or think. Um, but my body went through an experience of rejection and, uh, failure.
and frustration and anger and confusion. Um, because , I had worked so hard to create this thing, how could it not be what everyone wants? . And I could like laugh now because I'm like, Well, how fucking prideful is that? Like that I just think and assume that I know what people want or what people, what people need.
Um, well, I'll give myself some credit. I often do know what people need specifically for their bodies. Um, but there's a big difference between that and what people actually want. Um, I've come to realize that, that a lot of what it is that I see, people aren't ready for [00:27:00] a lot of what it is that I have created.
Um, It's confusing and people don't get it or they're just not interested. Like there's that simple as well. Um, and that's really, really devastating. Uh, but the truth is, I think I was telling myself, I was telling myself that I was building this thing for the people , and if that was the case, I would've been involving the people.
If that was the case, I would've slowed down because I clearly was going through a lot of things and not in a place of honest clarity. Um, like I, I clearly was just trying to like, check this box and get it done. And again, that's like , [00:28:00] sorry, so many trucks. Um, I appreciate you guys for the letting me be just raw.
I'm just using like a little mic on my phone right now instead of my usual, um, or a podcast mic, but it's letting me be more honest, so We'll, we'll take it. . It's, it's, and I know I'm, I can be like harsh eye myself too when I'm processing, so I recognize that. But, uh, it is, it's like, there's absolutely moments of like, I'm doing this for the people and like genuinely feeling that and getting excited, but there's also a lot of like, I'm just doing this.
I'm pushing it, I'm making it happen. Like I wanna get, I wanna complete something because I'm a frigging manifest and I never complete things and I wanna like defeat that and actually like, be consistent, like everyone. Well, like I feel that everyone wants me to be or expects me to be, or just the general world expects me to be, which could be absolutely a false [00:29:00] projection.
Um, but that is the narrative that was in my head the last few years and well, really my whole life . So here I am. Um, I released the method in September and, or I guess end of August and had like minimal response, um, and then released the deeper dives, um, beginning of this month of October. I'm recording this at the end of October and well I should say like opened enrollment and then, um, the closed day was last Monday.
Yeah, like a week, like a week and a half ago. And like. Zero response, like zero response. And I just like, I'm kind of, if I'm honest right now, I [00:30:00] feel kind of numb about it because I did go through some emotional processing. Sorry I didn't bring you into that, um, over this last weekend. But, um, yeah, it's, it, what I felt in that moment was just absolute devastation, I think is the best word.
Um, which is, so I feel embarrassed to say that because it's like, in the scheme of life, it's so small and most people probably weren't even aware that I was doing this cuz I have such a small little audience. But, but because it was so big in my world, um, and just because I am like a, a, a emotional person, as I've been talking about my emotions really like overwhelmed me and I just, um,
Honestly was like in disbelief, I think is another good word. Just like kind of floating [00:31:00]through the days, not really knowing like what to do with myself feeling so dislodged and, um, broken a bit. Um, I told myself that if I start crying, I would let it happen. So pre-warning, if it does come , I'm feeling teary eyed at the moment, um, as I'm letting myself go back and experience this.
Yeah, I, I, I felt broken and confused. Um, and really what it was bringing up was times in the past where I had worked really hard on something and, um, when I went to perform it or give it. Whatever it was, you know, get the grade, get the approval, get the role, get the, the job, whatever it was, uh, when it wasn't recognized or appreciated or [00:32:00] even given any sort of like notice , um, a response.
Like it was bringing up all of those times in my life where that had happened. And so my emotional response, I was grieving a life of feeling unrecognized and um, like, wow, that was so powerful. You know, uh, like in the end it really didn't have much to do with what happened. Because when I look at it just as like an objective thing, it's like, oh, like, okay, didn't register, you know?
But everything that I went through while creating it was so, um, life altering and challenging and exhausting. And[00:33:00]
I don't even, I'm trying to think of the word. I just felt raw at the end of it. Just so raw. Like I had just been scraped over and over and over again. Um, and yeah, I was just so vulnerable. Putting it out there in the world was like the hardest thing ever. But I was determined to do it. Determined to do it by August and, um, yeah, and then determined to like follow.
Um, with the deeper dives and like, just like it was like this, I'm just gonna do this
and not tuning in to the very sensitivity that I was attempting to support . Oh my gosh. Um, it's painfully obvious, you know, as I [00:34:00] reflect back, but that's, that's life, you know, That is the reality of, of things is that sometimes we don't know what something is until after we move through it. And, um, the last two years have been like some of the most challenging.
And I know, and I, I'm talking a lot about myself and I'm focusing on myself in this episode, but I recognize that, gosh, the world has gone through so much in these last few years. So, um, please know that I recognize that. But I just wanted to just to open up my heart and share, um, kind of my, my story of what's been going on lately.
So, um, my little tender heart is, is very sore . And I hope too, if you're listening, um, and you've been watching me go through this, you're a client or you're, you are considering, you [00:35:00] know, getting into what I was creating or things like that, please know that I in no way hold any, like, responsibility on your end.
Like this is fully my journey. Um, like I would only ever want you to step into something that I offered if it felt 110% right for you. So please don't, um, take this as. Anything about you, ? Um, I just, yeah, uh, that was one of my worries about sharing was I didn't want you, you to, um, be too empathetic . So, uh, yeah, I, if anything, I want you to hear this and think about times when you've felt really, um, just raw and, um, disappointed and injured and hurt, um, by maybe yourself or by your own, like conception or, um, concept of the world and
yeah. So , [00:36:00] I feel like there's so much more I could share, but I'm just trying to filter my mind, like what, or feel in my body to that's really where I should be. Um, what more would be helpful or would what I'm, what I'm meant to share. I don't have, um, a clear concept of what I wanna do moving forward. I've been toying a lot with, um, releasing the method as just a pure, like standalone method instead of making it a membership.
I've contemplated what some of you've asked for of like splitting up the method a bit and just releasing like the different layers of reconnection, rhythm and remedy, and even like offering some of the remedies as individual items so you guys can sort of just experience them in little bits, start to understand what it is.
Um, [00:37:00] yeah, so I, I don't fully know yet, and that's what I, you know, said in the beginning is I don't have a conclusion for you, which is very humbling, uh, to share that, but, Here's the thing, when I get honest, really honest with myself and now that I'm sort of like out of it, like I released it and it's there, like I can't undo what happened.
Like it's just there looking back at me. Like I can start to really also face what it is that I like, the energy with which I created it. And um, and, and, and I guess kind of like clean it up is one way to describe it. If like, okay, what of this is truly beautiful and like, honestly what works for me and what I've offered to my clients and what I do wanna put out into the world and what part of this is like me just trying to be put on the business [00:38:00] cap and like whatever, do what everyone tells you to do.
Um, and there's also another element and layer for me of like, I have this. Deep, deep desire to be original. And, um, there's so much fear in me of being perceived as a copycat that like, I, I, I wanted to create something that would so easily be a course without making it a course, if that makes sense. Like there's so many people that are creating courses and, um, because of that I wanted to like, try and make it a little different, but I think, I honestly don't know, but my, uh, assumption at this moment is that I just confused people
So like, wait, it's a course, but it's in a membership, but it's a membership, but it's a course I'm so confused, , Um, which I don't necessarily think I did it [00:39:00] wrong. Uh, but I think that I was thinking about myself as opposed to like, what would best serve you guys? And. Kind of getting over my own fears and letting myself be original by just being me as opposed to like trying to be original by avoiding what everyone else is doing.
Does that make sense? Um, cuz when I'm in my true authenticity, I am naturally, um, original and I am naturally, uh, different and revolutionary. I don't have to try to be that, but, um, I allowed past experiences of misunderstanding and yeah, really gnarly experiences to kind of shape, uh, how I approached this.
And I'm kind of disappointed in myself for doing that honestly. Um, and to also give myself some grace, I sort of didn't even know I was doing it. . [00:40:00] Uh, there's a lot of subconscious, subconscious stuff going on, so, so now I get to look back and see and, um, Choose to not see this as a failure, but as a lesson of what it looks like to do something out of like partial authenticity and partial fear and to release that
Um, so yeah, that's, that's that. Uh, like I said, going forward, I don't have full clarity yet. Um, currently, and this could literally change in five minutes if you know me and know my mind. It's like always shifting. It's really hard for me to like land my plane, but that's kind of who I'm meant to be. I'm not meant to be rigid and structured in that manner.
So, um, [00:41:00] I'm thinking about maybe just releasing the method, uh, as just a pure, like one. one purchase, easy entrance and just experience it as you desire kind of thing. Um, and maybe breaking it up a little bit so you can experience parts of it if you don't want the whole thing. Because I know that what I've created is impactful and profound and it's simply profound
Um, but it's what's changed my life and I think it's important that I share that. Um, so yeah, but I think what I've also landed at is that it's nowhere near like the thing for me, which is really interesting cuz I thought it was, um, it's just the beginning. And so the concept of a membership, I'm realizing needs to potentially be put on hold for now.
Again, I could change [00:42:00] my mind in five minutes and don't hold me to this, but I'm just letting you in my mind, letting you in my process, um, in case you're curious. Uh, I have such a big vision for what I want this to be, and so I think I need to build out those other pieces and then the membership will come later if you would like to combine all the pieces, if that makes sense.
Um, and I don't think it'll, the membership will just be about the method. I think the method will be one element of the membership, um, that'll be accessible to members, but there's gonna be a lot of other things that I wanna bring forward to create some really rad things for you guys. And honestly, I think part of my journey too is that I really wanted to do the other things that I have not yet done.
And the method felt like, I felt like I had to create the method first. And so I think I was kinda like trying to check that box if I'm being honest with myself, [00:43:00] um, so that I could get to like the fun things , which is. I mean, from a business standpoint, totally logical and makes sense, but emotionally and authentically, I don't think that that was right.
I needed to, I think what I should have done looking back is paused, working on the method, owning up that it wasn't, I wasn't in a place to finish it and to start diving into the other areas and letting myself weave and Bob through all of it, and whatever came first, whatever finished first was released first and whatever, you know, And it just happened is I did it and if it took longer, it took longer.
Um, so one of my biggest emotional lessons is patience, which is a big one for me. Um, it's a big, big one for me because I, I'm gonna speak in human design terms now. Um, being a [00:44:00] manifestor, I have a lot of big energy and a lot of big. Things that I wanna do and initiate a lot of impact I wanna have. Um, and I, I want that now.
And I also have an open mind and an open route, which means that I feel a buttload of pressure, um, from outside sources. And I also have a lot of gates to find. So I put it on myself too. Um, and I have a million ideas. I'm like the idea machine, so all of that. Oh, and I have like no sac, no sacred or root energy
My motor is my ego center, which is a gift, but my heart. That means my heart has to be in my work, which it wasn't, Um, at least not towards the end there. And my, um, solar plexus, which is emotion. So if my heart's not in it and my emotions are all over the freaking world, then like my motivation can just like drop.
Um, so. [00:45:00] Mm, There's just so much for me to learn and patience, to feel my emotions, to process my emotions, to listen to my emotions, which you've heard me say this, um, quite a few times. The emotions are the language of the body. So really it's comes down to listening to my body, feeling, my body tuning into my body, which is everything that the method is about.
oh fuck, um, . So it's just so ironic, um, that like literally creating the method, um, has shown me how much I still need to integrate of the method. So, I am like unworthy of the method of being the method leader, um, in that I don't have it mastered. Um, but I still desire to offer it from my place of vulnerability and [00:46:00] complete studentship, if that makes sense.
Um, and so I do wanna still offer this to you guys, uh, but I think I'm gonna do it in a different, in a different, uh, format than originally intended. And I'm not gonna be offering, um, well no one joined anyways, but , um, at least for now, I'm not going to attempt to start up again like a group. Gathering. I, I do wanna keep the circle, the sensitive circle, which if you've been tuning in to the process, like it's a beautiful, basically an alternative to Facebook group, um, gathering place for those that do, do the method.
And, uh, so anyone that purchases the method, however I decide to release it, um, will have access to that continually, Um, again, may change my mind in five minutes, but that's currently what I'm thinking. And that feels good to me right now. It feels grounded, it feels [00:47:00] clean, it feels simple, and, um, yeah, like I'm not trying too hard to make it something bigger than it is and allowing you guys to just experience the simplicity of its impact.
Um, which I think I've felt really insecure about this whole time because it's, it's profound, but it, you have to really. do it. , uh, I have to really do it. We have to really do it daily and uh, and there's also, there are still a lot of things I wanna add to it and that's originally why I made it a membership was cuz I was gonna be continuing to add to it every month.
But maybe what I'll do is just add what I feel led to in the next few months and then just stop and let it be. And anything more that I wanna add or do, I'll consider maybe bringing in, in another form or, I don't know, I'll [00:48:00] just let myself off the hook there, which is really hard to do. Um, I get weird, like commitments to like things that I decide I'm going to do or if I like tell you guys I'm gonna do something, I suddenly feel like so , like I have to do it now.
Um, it's weird. I'm like, I want so badly to be a woman of integrity. Um, but at the same time I'm very like, I don't know what word, I'm trying to think of a word that isn't self-deprecating. I'm, I'm just not constant. I'm not consistent. I'm not like I am an emotional being to the fricking core. And so if I say I'm gonna do something in an emotional high, like where I'm really jazzed and then later I'm like, Nah.
I was just like really hyped up on the energy of the concept of the idea. I get really excited by ideas, but then when the reality of actually doing it or the like, , I'm not a generator. If you're [00:49:00] a generator, God bless you. I do not have your gift of being able to like map it out in my mind, like the logistics of it.
So when I actually go, Oh, what does this physically look like? Oh crap. Yeah, no, that doesn't work. . I feel like I've let everyone that I told down, even if it was something really like subtle and. I don't know, not a big deal. I just still feel really like a, a massive failure. So I'm, I'm healing through a lot of, and that's like generational trauma right there, um, or generational pattern I should say of like inconsistency and like, um, just emotional highs and lows.
I've had you, Yeah, just through my mom's side, like a lot of, a lot of that, um, like way extreme, like extreme Excel, um, . So it puts me into perspective, but for me, I still feel in comparison to like someone that's very like, stable, like my precious husband, who is just like the world's most grounded individual, , [00:50:00] I feel like freaking lunatic.
And his precious family that loves me now for my crazy, like, I still just am like, Oh, I, I am so crazy in comparison to them, . It's, it's really humbling. And I'm, I used to, well, I'm still processing through feelings of like, uh, worthlessness or less value or like I was saying at the beginning, irresponsibility or immaturity or whatever, um, for being emotional.
Um, but I'm, I'm really, really digging into the possibility that I have so much value, and I know this theoretically, but like physically and emotionally, that I have so much value. In my emotional wave, like in my extreme highs and extreme lows, actually, that dynamic is a huge part of my impact, is a huge part of my [00:51:00] journey, is a huge part of my entire personhood.
And that my learning to navigate that, not fix it is what I'm here to do. And to actually like live out the intensity of all that I am without shame, um, I'm getting emotional again is why I'm here, because that is not what I felt permission to do. I have not felt permission to do that. I've felt so much shame for showing my high highs and my low lows, um, especially to people.
Are not in that way. Um, I wrote a piece I mentioned earlier where I referred to us as, I'm assuming you're with me on this, US as Emotionals, and those that are more angered and steady as like the logicals. So like, I'm like, there's the Emotionals and the logicals, and I think that [00:52:00] we're both needed. Um, I think there's beauty in both kinds of people.
And again, I know I'm making like a very like stark statement, but like, and I know there's spectrums and like, you know, we're all really, we all have logic, we all have emotion, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm just trying to give an example, but like
currently in our culture, in the American society that I've grown up in, Logic is king and emotionality is weakness and immaturity and irresponsibility, especially making decisions out of emo high or low emotion. Um, and even in human design, there's a lot of, you know, it's all about neutrality, which I'm not necessarily for or against.
I'm just exploring, um, the possibility that my emotions high and low are beautiful and are gift and don't necessarily need to be avoided, or I don't know if they need to be waited [00:53:00] out or not. Um, I'm speaking human design. Now, if you have emotional authority in human design, you need to wait for clarity, Meaning wait till you're kind of like you feel neutral about it.
But here's the thing, like I never feel neutral. Neutrality to me is probably what I would describe as numbness, which is, Healthy . So for me, it's like, I'll always feel emotion, but so perhaps it's just linguistics. So what human design conceptually means, or theoretically means like, you know, once you're out of the high, high or the low low, like you're more in like your normal emotional range.
But my normal emotional range is always gonna be way more than someone that's, you know, logically minded, um, instead of like heart, emotion minded or um, based. And so embracing that, embracing that, I will always, you know, what's the phrase everyone says, I'll always be quote [00:54:00] unquote too much, um, for the logicals
Um, but that's, if that's the truth, then like who gives a shit? Like, I'll always be that even when I try to like suppress it down. It's like, it, it squirts out. Like I . It's like trying to, I was trying to squeeze, I made this delicious pasta there and I was trying to squeeze it into this like, Tupperware and I just couldn't do it.
It was like the noodles and the, the sauce were like squishing out the sides. , I don't have great, like, . Um, I don't know what's the, correct, remember that like spatial awareness. Um, another gift of my husband's that thank goodness for him. Uh, but I, you know, that's what I feel like is like my emotions are just gonna like, squish out.
They're gonna leak out, you know? And so like, my, my disguise will be uncovered . Um, I, and I don't want to fake it anymore. I don't wanna try to fit in. I want to live differently. I want to embrace my sensitivity [00:55:00] and all the emotions that come with that. I want to live fully. And that is the beautiful gift of being sensitive if we lean into, is that we get to live.
At a depth and at a height that logicals never get to experience. And that's why they often do drugs and different things to try and reach what we naturally experience. . Like I never have to take anything cuz I'm like, nah, my life experience is pretty amazing already. Like, I don't, I don't need that to go there.
Like, if sensitives take drugs or anything, it's actually to numb. It's actually to soften the intensity. So we're, we're on a completely different spectrum here, or a different dimension, but, um, I'm taking away that opportunity for myself by trying to be logical. So I'm not against logic. I think there's a place for it.
I love living in my mind, but I think the balance for me, there needs to be a balance for me. I'm, I [00:56:00] need to be in my body. I need to be in my emotions more. I need to feel, feel, feel, feel, and not be afraid of that space. And as I do that, that is how I can encourage you and any other sensitive I meet to be all that we are.
To wear our emotions on our sleeves, wear our hearts on our sleeves, to be
too much for the worlds. Um, but in our own world, we are just right, Right? We're just right. And that is what I long to create, is a world where we all come in and we feel just right because we're all on the same dimension in plain. Um, so I still don't fully know what that's gonna look like, but this is my heart offering to you guys of just letting you know where I'm at.
I am going, [00:57:00] I, I'm not going, I'm going to attempt . I can't like, make any claims. I'm going to attempt to not push and force. I want to flow. I want to not, not take action because of fear of rejection, but also not take action because of, um, embarrass embarrassment for not doing something or because I feel like I need to push and I feel the pressure of being a business owner and being successful and like, I don't know, putting fricking food on the table,
But, um, I wanna trust that even things like my finances will be covered just by being myself, by being authentic, by owning who I am and leaning into that, um, and breathing that into everything I. From my practice to my method to Instagram, to this podcast, to one on one interactions to all of the different things that I touch and do.
Um, I [00:58:00] want to be fully me and
fully me is a lot . Um, it is a lot to give and so it's fricking scary because so much of me has been, has experienced. rejection, and I think of like the little C enemies, if you've ever experienced those, they're my favorite. Um, they're these little, when they're, uh, when there's like low tide on the coast, there are these little squishy, I don't even know how to describe 'em, little squishy blobs that have like shells and sand all over them to like quote unquote disguise them.
But you can walk up and, um, I'm one of those terrible people that loves to interact. and I will, you know, gently with a finger, just kind of, it's almost like tickling 'em. I'll kind of tickle 'em on the outside and they're [00:59:00] just a little sticky. But when you touch them, they sh they, I don't know if it's shrivel, but they close up their, like they suck in and they put their protective shell layer out.
And I just see that visualization of me, of like, I've been touched so many times, um, in painful ways in my past, and this experience felt like another one of those touches. But I don't wanna shrivel and keep my protective layer out. I want to open back up and I want to dive. Not that that my analogy's not working, but , if CNN enemies could walk, I want to walk back into the ocean.
And open up and release my beautiful little purple tentacles and, and engage, engage with my universe and my world. Um, my underworld in the sea. So I, that's what I hope to do. And, um, I honestly started this not even knowing if I was gonna share it on the podcast . Cause [01:00:00] Oh my gosh. I just like, Yeah. It's so, it's so scary.
I mean, we'll see. We'll see. It's, Oh, it's funny. I feel like, um, with my podcast episodes, this is gonna be super long. I bet. Um, I, I never watched the time I just talk, but I always picture you like in front of me, just like fellow sensitive that we're just chatting. Um, but I, as far as the podcast goes, like my, our guest episodes are usually like, , Um, the most popular and then right after them though, always hanging in there is my episode talking about the mayor floor world and entrepreneurship.
And I always found that interesting. Um, so , maybe this one will follow it, but, uh, for, it's meant to basically follow up my episode on the authentic com method and all that, like I stated in there that I [01:01:00] wanted to do and my bold, my bold comments there. And I almost was telling myself, Oh, I need to listen to that episode before I record this just in case I do share it because like I should like reference that.
And honestly, I don't even remember what I said on that episode. I remember it shocked people cuz I was like, intense about investing into your health, which I am still very passionate about and do myself, but whatever, um, whatever I said on that episode. If it still applies, great. Most likely not. Um, but the reality is, is just like me are constantly changing.
We're constantly shifting and growing and changing, and, um, I literally feel like I rebirth every month. It's insane. Um, pray for my husband, . Oh my gosh, no, for reals. I, I feel like I'm a new person like every month and it's hard to keep you guys updated on that. [01:02:00] Um, but I, I will try to, whenever I think of it, to share, um, where I'm at.
And honestly, I'm not just saying this to like say this, like, I would love, love to hear from you if, especially if you listen to this episode and made it all the way here. Like, you are a dear heart and I would love to hear your story. And, um, I'd also love to hear how I can help you. Like, how can I serve you?
How can I support you? What is it that I'm doing that is a gift for you? What is it that I'm not doing that you wish I would? There's so much I know about me that I don't, that I take for granted. So many things I've learned that I don't even know I have, um, until they're called out. And so if there's anything in me that you recognize that you want more of or that you wanna learn about, or you wish I would talk about or build something for, like, that inspires me.
I want to serve you. [01:03:00] And I'm like, so fucking done with the, like, follow this plan and be successful as a business. And like, this is how you have a successful online blah, blah, blah. Like, I don't care. Like, I just, I wanna create a space where sensitives like me, feel like we can be ourselves. And I've said that a million times now, but that is my honest heart and I just kind of don't even care anymore how I get there.
um, As, I have no idea how I'm gonna get there, but I just, I want us to get there and, um, I just, I feel like we can do it. So let me know, , what do we need? What do we need? Um, and of course, like my background in health and healing, I've always felt like that was really important, but maybe it's not. I don't know.
Maybe it's not, Maybe you guys don't actually need support in that way. Maybe you need other things from me. Um, and that can be a bonus later or something. [01:04:00] I don't know. I'm very uncertain about what, what it is you guys need. So I'm actually been. Hopping in, uh, to highly sensitive groups on Facebook.
Lately I did that way back in the day when I first learned about being highly sensitive. And honestly, I left them really fast because they were very like triggering. Um, there's a lot of like martyrdom and victimhood, which is partially why I wanted to create my own little space, the sensitive circle. Um, uh, cuz I didn't like that.
I was like, no, like, let's love on each other. Let's share experiences, but then let's lift each other up and encourage each other and provide hope and, and goodness, you know, not like negativity. And, um, I, I'm just like a, I like to be optimistic and positive, um, and like, be with each other in pain, of course, but like, let's not wallow, you know?
Uh, so. Anyways. All that to say, I've been actually stepping back into those [01:05:00] groups just to listen and observe because I, part of me is like, am I just not connected enough to this world of fellow sensitives? Like I don't have a ton other than my clients, so I'm just seeing my clients. But that's specifically in the health world, right?
And we're talking about health related things. Um, and honestly, all my clients are like already taken care of. So cuz they have me. Um, but just listening and hearing, oh, my stomach scrolling, if you can hear that , um, to other sensitives around the world and like what they're talking about and what they're needing and, and also just seeing all the, like, this might be sound a little judgmental.
All of the current people, not all some of the current like people that are supporting and stuff, it's. , it's beautiful what they're offering, but like the vibe of it and the look of it and the feel of it, I'm just like, ugh. I wouldn't be drawn to that personally. Like, I wanna create something that's really, really, really cool.
Like, I really wanna create, [01:06:00] this might sound silly, but like a luxurious world where like, I, I think I've talked about this, but just stuff is like really, really special. It's like just, just for us sensitive and it's like crazy good quality. All the things we love, you know, Like, I don't wanna say too much because I don't know yet , but I've thought about a lot of different things.
I've thought about, like a clothing line, like not a crazy full like apparel line, but just like clothing in general. Um, that's of like really high quality. That's just for us. They've thought about, um, food. I've thought about, um, homeware. I've thought about lots of different things that. Are beautiful, but also like work for us sense, not just work like special candles that are of course pure bees wax because we're so sensitive.
Or like, you know, speaking of the apparel, like it's like regenerative cotton and like, which is like impossible to find by the way. I've been looking for like six plus months. But like, just stuff that, just the texture is [01:07:00] soothing and there's no tags and it just like, it just feels so good and it's just like your favorite shirt or like these amazing socks.
I don't know, I've just been like, I wanna almost like create products and different things like that that'll just be healing in and of, of just like having them, you know, that thing that you find that's just like, I want a million of these cuz it actually feels good, or I love it so beautiful or whatever.
Like that's what I. There's part of me that wants to do that, and there's other part of me that wants to like, help you freaking heal your body so that you're not experiencing your sensitivity plus trauma, plus toxins, plus , you know, all the crazy stuff that's going on in this world, but like you're clearing all that out and you're just experiencing your pure sensitivity, which is more than enough on its own.
So, and then there's my whole like wanting to reframe sensitivity in general and using the term natural sensitive and not just highly sensitive, which I have so much respect for Dr. Elaine Aaron and her work. And so I'm not trying to replace that, but I feel like highly sensitive person, that term [01:08:00]has kind of, has like a negative undertone to it.
I, I can't explain it. It just doesn't feel good. And when I've been listening in to the highly sensitive groups, a lot of people are talking about. , it doesn't seem to work like people, they, they share this with, feel like it's a fake made up thing or they don't understand it, or just there's so much stuff around it.
Whereas the term natural sensitive to me, it feels good. It feels sunny, it feels warm, it feels healthy, It feels not like there's something wrong with you. And, and then the natural, obviously you can think like holistic or whatever, but you know, ultimately what that means is that it's innate. Like you're born with this, it's natural.
Um, it's not like trauma based or uh, or illness based. Uh, it's not developed is what I, how I usually describe it. It's innate. It's, you were born into the world with this sensitivity and that's what, uh, sensory processing sensitivity is, which is the scientific term for what we have. [01:09:00] And then also I loved the concept of bringing in more conversation around introversion and empathy because honestly, most, uh, SPSS sensory processing sensitivity, those that have that trait also are introverted and also have, uh, you know, innate empathy, meaning that, um, they're born with that skill instead of like, they have to develop it over time, which most people have to do.
So, and of course, not all are those things, but that's my experience and since this world and this work is based off a lot of my experience, I wanna like honor that. Um, of course if that's not your story, you're still welcome. But just know that's like the place I'm coming from. So I will talk about that a lot.
And I think introversion is just so misunderstood. Um, so there's a big part of me that wants to like clarify what it means to actually be an introvert. , since 50% of the population are introverts anyways, um, it's like 50% of the popula I've like, So many people [01:10:00] misunderstand themselves. Okay, I'm going on a tangent.
Um, all this to say I have a big vision and I have a big desire to give back, um, and to further this community. And, uh, I only have what's in front of me. So if this is something that you're excited about, this is something that you wanna be a part of, something that you want me to build for you, I get involved.
Like even if it's just DMing me messaging me, leaving a review on this podcast, like liking my Instagram posts, not for me, but so that what I do get seen. Because honestly, like it's really hard to work with the algorithm, save my stuff. Whatever you can do to help promote this work, do it. I appreciate it.
Beyond words, um, I could cry. The sweet messages that I get, like, make my year. You just gotta know that. So just think about how you would feel if you were in my shoes and which I know you can it's empathy [01:11:00] at its best. Um, and what would you want, you know? But ultimately, just tell me what you need. Like tell me what you need because I'm, I am good at initiating things.
I definitely need people to help me physically do it. , but 70% of the battle is initiating it. So, um, I'm here to be that role. I'm here to be that person in this community, and that's how I wanna use my initiating power is for us. So show me where to direct my, my gifting. Show me where to direct my genius and I'm happy to do it.
So, whew, that was a lot. I'm sure there's things I didn't say I wanted to say, but I think that's enough for today. I. Um, even begin to express my gratitude, uh, for you staying this long and listening for the episodes, the other episodes you've listened to for the ways that you've supported me or supported other sensitives in your life.
Um, if this is brand new to you, welcome. Uh, I love you and I'm so [01:12:00] grateful that you are here. Uh, this world needs you. This world needs you in your full, authentic self. And, um, together you and I can pursue being our true, full, authentic selves, um, and creating and cultivating our calm, our state of ease, and our everyday we can do it together.
So that we can be all that we're meant to be. All right. That's it until the next episode. Love you guys. You are called to live differently, my friend. What is one way. That you can honor your natural sensitivity today. Take that one step and if you feel uncertain, hesitant about how to navigate life as a natural sensitive, I have something for you.
I've created the authentic calm method, a beautiful platform and resource to create your healthiest. Whole authentic self. We start with layer one of [01:13:00] the reconnection, tuning into the body. Layer two, we dive into your authentic rhythm, how you're meant to eat, sleep, move, be, work, rest, recover. It's so unique to you and it's so critical that you understand that.
And lastly, we finish by uncovering the remedies that work best for you, the tools, tonics and therapies that will optimize your health and give you your capacity back. Alongside all of this, we have the beautiful sensitive circle, a community where you can be seen and known, heard, and understood, where you can share your process as much or as little as you desire.
If this intrigues you, the link to join is below. It is such. Honor to have your ear and to share this episode with you. Until we release our next I cheers to your health, A Votre Sante.[01:14:00]
Step into the Authentic Calm Method & Sensitive Circle to receive guidance and supportive community as you move towards your healthiest most authentic self!
To live authentically, rediscover your natural self, and restore your health as a Sensitive, peruse the resources below:
Authentic Calm, the podcast
Mêrfleur Natural Living Recommendations, for Sensitive-safe products
Merfleur Library, books to listen to or read
Merfleur Wellness, the Guide and the Assessment to recover your health
